The one where she calls shenanigans

Oh, goodie! It's St. Patrick's Day on Saturday, aka "Amateur Hour at the Bar." Now, I spent more than my fair share of time holding up a bar stool in honour of the occasion back in the day. Or was it the bar stool holding me up? Anyway, since becoming a real live grown up I have studiously avoided public places on March 17th. It seems my luck (of the Irish - HA!) has run out. I spent my birthday in an airport and I've been having a pretty shitty week so I need a damn night out. The Husband is taking me out for my extremely belated birthday dinner on Saturday because it's when we have the time and the babysitter. 

That's right, I'm leaving the comfort of my home on St. Patrick's Day. I am warning you now, people of Toronto, none of the following shenanigans will be tolerated in my presence:

• Green beer, or any other dyed green food because... ew!
• Public urination. If I catch you peeing in public, I will take a picture and tweet that shit so fast your head will spin. Won't your mother be proud?
• Vomit. Pro Tip! If you are throwing up in public, you are too drunk to be out in public. Take your sorry ass home!
• Hugging, kissing, or any other touching of my person. Unless you are The Husband.
• Slurred renditions of Danny Boy. Or When Irish Eyes are Smiling. Let's just call it an all-out kibosh on singing, shall we?
• Asking me why I'm not wearing green. I don't need to wear green on St. Patrick's Day, doofus! I'm Irish every day.

If you can all follow these simple rules while I'm out in public, everything will be just fine. Don't worry, I'll go home by midnight. If not, do not be surprised if you hear the wail of a banshee. And if you don't know what that signifies, you shouldn't be out celebrating St. Patrick's Day anyway. Poser. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

This post is written as part of GBE2 - Week #43 word prompt: Shenanigans. For more info about GBE,  click here.